Dear Holly Jean,
I have a scar on my thigh. It’s about 4 inches across my right thigh, and it’s ugly like a worm-like welt.
When is it a good time to tell someone I am dating about it?
I've been seeing this guy for the past 3 weeks and I'm so nervous. I am afraid he won’t want to see me once he finds out.
But I don't know how to tell him about it.
Luv,
Mel.
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Dear Mel…
You know… everyone has something that they’re not too comfortable about telling a new partner.
For some it may be a previous marriage, breast implants, an illness or money problems?? They’re all information that you want your partner to be aware of… but not the kind of information you’d spew out on the first date with someone.
I honestly think this scar of yours is not going to be a problem, unless you’re dating a childish 12 year old or something.
But the right time would be now, before you get intimate with him. The worst time for him to find out is when you’re actually in bed with him! And you don’t want to come to a point where you have to wiggle your way out of dates that involve the beach or swimming.
The longer you wait… the harder it will be to break the news.
Over dinner, or coffee or whatever, try to bring it up in conversation. I am not sure how you got the scar, was it in an accident? Maybe you could ask him if he had any life and death experiences. And then share yours, and tell him that all you have left now of the experience is a scar on your leg that will remind you of how precious life is. You know that kind of thing. Rather than just blurt out – Such nice weather today. Oh by the way, I have a scar on my leg!
If he has a problem with you having a small scar... then you’re better off finding that out early and stop wasting your time on him. Whatever the outcome, you cannot keep it a secret forever, so get it off your chest.
Forever,
Holly Jean
What do you readers think? Just tell him? Have you been in a similar position? Give Mel your support :)
think u shld have told him from the start. You cannot give ppl the impresion u r perfect no scar whatsoever... then suddenly tell the truth when it suits u, think he will be shock, and feel like misleaded.
ReplyDeleteit wun be gd outcome. b prepare.
i will tell when the time is ripe/right.. i mean not in the beginning but rather when our r/s is stable.. then i will google myself and show him all the links abt me, wat others said abt me...etc let him have the shock haha and by then hopefully he can accept given the understanding he knew of me at first..
ReplyDelete"Honesty, is still and definitely the best policy."
huh? google what links about her??? Is it big news type accident or wat?
ReplyDeleteWhat for google.. when the scar is right there on her leg?? just show him la.
and anonymous number 1 - u r an asshole
i think holly gave pretty good advice.
ReplyDeleteagree with anon 2 that anon 1 is an asshole.
i also dont understand about the googling part -_______-
and.. the best thing to do is just to show him and wait for his reaction and get it over with instead of mulling over it!
hmmm... my thighs are full of eczema scars. They are so bad that I can't wear swimsuits or bikinis bottoms without concerned strangers coming up to ask me what happened. :)
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't go around announcing this piece of info to every guy I date, he will definitely know about it when he gets to know me better before we enter a relationship.
My scars have never obstructed mine getting into relationships or given problems in the relationship itself - my (ex)bfs and I can usually find enough faults with each other without getting my scars into the picture. :)
So I say, be confident and open about the scar. Usually the guys don't mind, esp the better ones. Don't allow yourself to feel discounted for it.
Cheers
Cyn
i agree with holly, just tell him it. it's only a big deal if u make it one!(:
ReplyDeletebasically, as a man, I don't think it will be a problem to deal with a scar. but I do have a little issues about the points that holly made. 1st of all, 4 inches is not a small scar (sorry, I just want to be honest). then I don't think it will be a good idea to bring this on the dinner table, unless you are ready to take your relationship to another level. because when you tell a guy that you have a scar on your thigh (I don't know where, but let's assume its close to your private part.) and the guy may think it's sexual imply, haha! he may think you want to show him and ...... haha! so, unless you are ready to show him, I don't think you should tell him.
ReplyDeleteHi Mel,
ReplyDeleteHolly is right! it's ok to tell him about it. Personally, i feel that it's no big deal at all. if he really love you, you can be disfigured and all, he will still love you.
no..u shldnt tell so early.
ReplyDeleteif it's only a few dates.. how can he "love you" whether you are "disfigured and all"???
You need to build a bond first. Make him like/love you for who you are.. and then shen u tell him/show him the scar, it won't be a problem.
to Anonymous before me. Isn't that deception?
ReplyDeleteYou're purposely hiding a fact from him to manipulate his decision. That's such a conniving bitch thing to do. Like trapping a man and when he can't back out then you show him something he might not like.
and yeah 4 inches is NOT small.
yea 4 inch is not small but if a guy leave u because of a scar, he's not worth you getting upset over.
ReplyDeleteto Looking out for the GUYS
ReplyDeletei dont think its deception.. nobodys forcing the guy to like the girl.. it just gives the girl a sense of security.. and she will not be purposely hiding the fact.. just delaying it! plus he can always back out! that only reflects on the kind of guy he is!
hmmm interesting how men kinda think delaying such info is an attempt to deceive... while women think otherwise.
ReplyDeletejust posing a qns to the women- What if a guy has like a previous marriage. And doesn't tell u for fear of losing u . and only tells u about it a month or so after dating you? will you feel deceived? would it have affected your decision to be with him if he had said so on the first date (or at least much earlier on in teh r'ship)?
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ReplyDeleteHmmm... for me, I will expect him to tell me before we get physically intimate. While his past is a factor I will consider before deciding if I want to be with him, he has to understand that it is not about getting judged, but about my need to have an honest and as-complete-as-possible idea of the kind of future to expect with a man like him.
ReplyDeleteAnd the fear of losing me is not a good excuse, because I don't admire insecurity or inconfidence, esp in my man.
To only tell me after we have gotten further into the relationship, I consider that cheating. I will lose my trust in him, so there is a much higher chance of breaking up.
Cheers
Cyn
Almost everyone has a past (be it prev marriage or r/s, jailed or addicted gambler, bankruptcy, in debts, ONS..) so we cant expect our partner to be as clean as a white paper unless we know him/her from kindergarten. No one wants to lie as u need 10 more lies to cover up for that ONE white lie..but in a new relationship, the one with the prev marriage (need not be men) might not tell till it's stable and by then, hopefully he/she can accept after all, u still have the current and future together and most impt is to change and move on in life. (Think this way: it's already not easy for one to deal with a failed r/s or marriage) so why harp on it? No point..sorry then the qtn of honesty? Hw to be brutally honest?? I think it's difficult therefore i shld not hve double standards and would not mind if my partner had did so long as i know he did becoz he dun want to lose me...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, u can always know whether yr future partner is married b4 or not..juz pay $35 to ROM and u would know.. so no pt hiding but we can explain why and let the past pass.
"The past is in the past. It is irreversible, but we can learn from it. Dun trade yr happiness for something that has already passed.."
LoVe,
Serenne
hmmm... just got an email yesterday. reader has a similar problem. (not a scar but scoliosis)
ReplyDeleteI've referred her to this blog post so she can read all your comments.
Hope she finds the right answer. :)