How To Escape A Bad Date

This one is for the boys...

So you turn up for a date, full of hope and expectations… and then realise that your date boring , or maybe talks too much, or chews with their mouth open or she turned up in Hello Kitty gear ( that pic above is me btw.. LOL)

You’re already there. You cannot cancel. But you would rather get circumcised without anaesthetic than have to sit through the whole date with her.

Well guys, I have your ticket out of that bad date that I assure you is much less painful.

10. Play Up Your Feminine Side

Compliment her on her dress, and then smile eagerly and say, “Do they make it in my size?”

9. Let Her Smell Your Genitals

Just casually put hand down your pants and leave it there. When you catch her looking at what you’re doing, pull your hand out, stretch across and place your hand in front of her nose and ask, “Does this smell odd to you?”

8. Be annoying

You can do this by countering every behaviour of hers with an equally annoying behaviour on your part. If she has a high pitch nasal voice which grates at you, the start speaking with an odd and exaggerated accent. If she talks on and on non-stop, then start blowing your nose on the table cloth.

7. Flirt With The Waitress

Tell the waitress that she’s very pretty, and then half way through dinner, let your date catch you winking at the waitress.

6.Create a Sudden Crisis

Simply pick up your phone and pretend to answer it or check your voicemail and then exclaim to your date, “Oh my god! The test results came out! It’s positive!!!”

5. Feign Death

If none of the above steps has sent her running yet, then pretend to die and land your face straight in your food. Keep very very still and silent. Stay in position until she has walked off because she can no longer take the embarrassment.

4. Pull a Houdini

Excuse yourself to go use the restroom. You move quickly to the chosen distraction, pause for a few seconds and then continue straight out the door. In order for this technique to work, you must make sure that the route from the restroom to the main door doesn’t require walking past your date.

3. The Excuse

For this technique to work, your acting skills must be moderately better than Jack Neo’s at the his press conference. Pick up your phone and pretend to talk to your boss. When you put the phone down, tell you date politely that something important came up, you’re so sorry but you have to cut the evening short.

2. Be Honest

Memorise this standard line - “You’re really [insert random good quality here], but I don’t feel that we’re right for each other.”

1. Save What You Can

If you could not pull off any of my top 9 techniques, and find yourself waking up the next morning right next to your bad date.... don’t wake her up. Just chew your arm off and run!

Disclaimer: If it goes wrong, and she’s a nutter, then all the teachniques above might end up making her like you more. Too bad, not my fault!